Finding that pinnacle of forgiveness in your heart is easily said then done. As parents to Tegumailagi we often find ourselves having to think twice about attending events or overhearing comments being said or statements uttered out in a very unpleasant and unloving manner that tend to pull on our heart strings. We tend to think if only you live with us , walk our walk you would realise, this is our normal this is our right. You will realise the reason why things are the way they are at home in the house. Autism was rejected and not understood in our house in the beginning of Tegumailagi’s journey. The battle is won when we understood the dynamics of what it is we are up against as a family. The mental resilience to walk away from fights that does not enhance our progression with anything in life. I’ve often wondered for a long time now as to why don’t Tegu utter a word when he can hear what people say about him. Today it dawned on me, he try’s his hardest to avoid people who don’t understand him. Tegu is loneliest when his around people who don’t understand him I have gathered that for the 10years of Tegumailagi’s life. To Tegu loneliness isn’t the presence or absence of others. For Tegumailagi loneliness is really knowing that no one can relate or understand him for being a very unique young man that he is. That is the one fact that he has accepted for a very long time now. The willingness smile and to forgive those who don’t know or understand his battles at the same time finding hope to continue to show love to those that fault him. Now that is growth with mental resilience. Thank you Tegumailagi for your actions that speak louder than your words. Stay Blessed always my Tegu Love you always Nau. X

Tegumailagi love the company of Ta and Nau and the idea of staying indoors was a dream come true. Smiling as he woke up to start with his morning routine as he excitedly exclaimed “No socks No Shoes” his Ta replied “no school today boy”. I turned to face him, he ran over to give me hug, and I held on to him a little bit longer this time. Weeks before they were learning to wash their hands thoroughly singing the “happy birthday song”. Everytime his Ta and I was to wash our hands he would be stood there singing the happy birthday song till the end to make sure our hand washing was thorough. All the jigsaws and colouring books were out this was a Party for Tegu. He loved staying indoors so isolation was his prayers answered. In the evening we were to be going to town later for grocery shopping as always it’s a chore to get him out the frontdoor. We tend to do our shopping in bulk monthly. This means less hassle for Tegu and no disturbed weekend routine. We could already sense that this was going to be a struggle for us. All grocery shops by now only allowed things to be bought in multiples of three at it’s maximum. Tegumailagi’s diet was very limited to only bread and potatoe waffles or Mcoys cheese and onion crisps this is for all three meals the same thing everyday. An empty waffles fridge and not a cheese and onion Mcoys crisp in sight. To the bread isle I clocked the sliced bread. This was the very last packet of sliced bread. The closer I got the further away from the bread I was. It seemed like every person was pushing their trolley in the direction of the bread shelf. Reached for the Bread “i thought wait for it Lini” then spoke a very warm but fragile little old lady from behind her trolley, “ be a kind dear and kindly pass me a packet of slice bread up there please young lady” i took that last one which I was reaching for and gave her it she smiled with a “thank you” and left. A tsunami of emotion overwhelmed me. As it’s always mentioned in the Army “you got to look after number 1(look after yourself) but this was the exact opposite of what was going on here. I smiled with tears filling up in my eyes and walked away with an empty trolley,confused but morally satisfied with that act of kindness inside the supermarket. Walking towards Tegumailagi and his Ta who were waiting patiently for me at the carpark. They knew that it was not a successful shopping trip as I entered the car trying to keep it together wiping away tears from my face. Then to the last of the many grocery shops in our local area we went, we entered hoping for bread or potatoe waffles the same situation. Fridges were bare. Stop worrying Lini get your act together today is a good day, Yes I was reassuring myself. Walked up casually to the lady that was sorting out the frozen delivery “ excuse me sorry to be a bother but when will potatoe waffles delivery be in ? “this was the most important question of the day. She smile and said “its at the back, I will have to get you it bear with me”. This was a magical day in every sense. An extremely powerful intuitive and awareness of the humane thought process of empathy. Yes, we might have different obstacles in life, Don’t seize in doing unto others what you want others to do unto you. Don’t ever think that your little act of kindness goes unnoticed. An act of kindness can forster a connection with other people during their times of bleakness. Empathy is definitely the way forward for Autism Awareness. Don’t give up on progress or hope, let your everyday be an adventure to discovering your strength. Stay safe, keep loving and keep discovering. Love n Prayers

Going anywhere for the day can be arduous planning. Before Christmas lunch happened I was already mentioning to Tegumailagi that we will be spending Christmas lunch with family 10 mins away from our home address. I did mentioned that we will be there for the duration of the day and won’t be back till late and also added that there will be all sorts of food and presents and his cousins will also be there to play with him. He did not say anything back to me when I mentioned all these things to him he just gave me a smile to me that meant he was content. I was excited that this would be a good opportunity for us to wear our Kalavata (matching mother and son outfits) . His Ta went and helped out with the lovo , while we got ourselves ready. While getting ready I was explaining the significance of Christmas to Tegumailagi (do you know what we are celebrating today luvequ? He looked up and smiled) as if to agree that he is aware of Christmas Celebration. As per usual I kept reassuring him that it’s ok to go and have lunch somewhere else apart from in our own home we will come back home when we are done. Got him to put on his kalavata shirt and he politely decline to put it on ( No Thank you Nau ) was the answer I got. I respectfully obliged and wore our Kalavata myself. Tegumailagi’s outfit of choice was remarkable ( Pink long Sleeve shirt and khaki chinos) I really was impressed with his choice. Bags packed, in the bag were items like chargers in case we run out of battery life for our gadgets, jigsaw puzzels, and our favourite red blanket, welly boots because Tegu insisted “its Raining Nau”, so into the bag went the wellies , a white bowl for his crisps and his juice glass. These were just some of the things we took, but Nau’s bag of goodies seemed like it was packed for a weekend away. And if we could, we would fit the kitchen sink into the bag aswell. We got to the Hall and it took us almost 30 mins to persuade Tegumailagi into the hall this was after we mentioned “Tegu you can do your jigsaw in that room” (this was a fairly big storage room) this made Tegu smiled and he gladly walked into the storage room with his red blanket and myself behind him with our bag of goodies. It was now lunch time and even though his Ta and I know what he usually eats for lunch (Waffels,Toast,Crisps) we always make sure to ask him if he wants something else for a change just to keep him included in everything we do. Even if there is no answer from Tegu the fact that he has been considered makes him smile. He kindly requested for (crisps in a bowl Nau please). He munched smiling as if that was the first time he had eaten those McCoy’s Cheese and Onion flavoured crisps. We lasted till it was Hall closing time by this time Tegu was ready for Bed and so was Nau. I came back home and reflected upon the day, like many things that happened while getting Tegumailagi ready he could have chosen not to go but he made a choice. He picked his own outfit and made an effort to get to the Hall. Like many things in life we make choices, decisions that does not make sense to others, but to you as a person it does. Allow yourself to make mistakes how else are you to learn. Keep walking your walk, it will be someone else’s preferential choice to make an effort and walk with you. Life is certainly not a dress rehearsal so keep being you and make an effort to get there. Thank you Tegumailagi for reminding Nau to include and always make an effort to get there 😘😘.

We were told only time will tell if Tegumailagi manages to speak. I got back from Canada after couple of months. Gave my awesome twosome the biggest cuddle i could ever share with them. This was reality , I had a read of the formal diagnosis letter from the Paediatrician over and over again, I just needed to see if there was a typing error ( not that there was) or may be it was sent to the wrong address. This is once again my mummy head on trying to protect my Tegu. I would wait for Tegu and his Ta to sleep just so that I could deal with this emotional roller coaster & research on intervention ideas of speech progress, there was so much on the web and in the library to know, but none of it mentioned about time line for speech. Patience is definitely a virtue, now I’m reminded about this beautiful words in the book of Romans, Be joyful in hope, patient in affliction and be faithful in prayer. Everyday Seci and I would wait and listen to hear if Tegu was to say anything. On our morning routine his Ta would speak to him even though there was no answer he would continue to speak to Tegu. On the way to school we would say ” Good Morning Tegumailagi, you’re a clever boy aren’t you , Ta and Nau loves you ” there was always a smile in return from Tegu with no verbal interaction, One thing was clear he understood us and that kept us going. I would hide my tears as it was both tears of love and sadness, it all flooded with a lot of unanswered questions , will Tegu be able to say “I’m ok Nau or I love you Nau… was this possible? , or would this be just a dream?How much more heart ache is a person suppose to go through? Everyday these we’re my questions that I yearned to be answered. We can’t give up. I wanted reassurance there and then, just that dose of optimism that all will be alright. As all the conversation was in “hand gestures”, if Tegu wanted water, he would point at the tap for water, if he needed to go out side he would put on his boots, he would also know when it was time for evening devotion. ( he would walk up to the Tv and switch it off even if his Ta was watching the rugby). Tegu is now saying one to five words everyday. Like many things we tend to think of the what ifs and the i should have, be rest assured that , memories will be made,(either good or bad) what will be will be, keep praying for prayers are answered in God’s timings and not yours. It would not matter how big your trial is, it will be conquered. Your hardships are your blessing in disguise. Don’t ever think that it’s IMPOSSIBLE” it spells out Im Possible. X

Every week we would set milestone for my Tegu to achieve, we particularly focus on his social skills. This you may assume for a little boy like Tegumailagi it should come to him without effort, unfortunately it does not. It will be Easter Egg hunt in a day, I walked up to the Welfare Dept to confirm his place in the Egg hunt, kindly enough they did have space to add Tegu. That instantly warmed my heart, knowing he was going to have some interaction with other children. I mentioned his dietary requirement (limited to toast evenly covered in butter and honey with cut out crusts or mccoy cheese and onion crisps). I reassured Lou and Patch at the Welfare Dept to not worry, I will bring Tegu’s food to save the inconvenience of having to do one specific snack for just one person. We arrived greeted by the lovely Camilla who introduced herself to us and I briefly mentioned that Tegu loved the outdoors and will be outside as he was not aware of the new surroundings. A while later we had a plate of toast and crisps (Mccoy Cheese and Onion to be exact) brought out to us, with these I was thankful as these were Tegu’s favourite. We finally gained the courage to go indoors . We met William who was very receptive of Tegu, there was a definite coolness about William (the calmest dog ever) that drew Tegumailagi’s attention undisturbed. The three very thoughtful little girls (Marli,Maddi,Channelle) that helped my Tegu around the compound looking for Easter Eggs. With all these happening around me it has brought me close to tears, this was it “The pinnacle of Autism Awareness”, consideration, kindness, thoughtfulness and love they all were a definite reminder that ” it’s ok to be different”. To my Tegu being included was acceptance that voided all his self-doubt. We ended the Egg hunt with a bag filled with goodies, and an infectious smile that I could not assimilate. More importantly we left beaming with limitless confidence. Thank you to the very considerate Welfare team and Camilla for the well thoughtout Easter Egg Hunt😘😘

A little fact into how i came about the name Tegumailagi. May 2013 my most unfavourable year I was based in Northern Ireland when I received a call relaying the news of the death of my beloved maternal grandmother Bu Litia ( Mrs Sovanivalu Senior) this was also the lady that contributed so much to my upbringing. She was my everything. This trip was like no other I knew she was not going to greet me with the most tastiest bowl of “rourou” in Suva. (this is what I always kindly ask my Bu to cook for me when I got home) Got on to the next available flight to Fiji for the funeral. It had dawn on me this was it, I will never see my Bu again. It’s amazing how every little detailed experience I share with my Bu I was able to recall that very moment. This was a different kind of pain. Little did I know this was just a tip of the iceberg, what was already written in the history book was unmeasurable. Had a good catch up with family and we continued with the traditional after funeral formalities. Spent a good few weeks at home on the Sunday of the final week I was to make my way back to the airport to fly out. This was cancelled as we took my Daddy for a checkup which resulted in admission at the hospital. Days later Daddy was also called to rest. As I Sat outside our home I question myself why is this happening to me, I could actually hear my self saying ” oh please I can’t cope ” I could not take another loss. Life was unfair it took the two most important people who were dear to my heart. It is true that you find yourself at the lowest point of your life. Came back to Northern Ireland after Daddy’s funeral. Every morning i would be met by the most beautiful scenery which was covered by droplets of morning dew. It would be quite beautiful, yet innocently peaceful. An avid Sunday school goer, I hoped like I’ve never hope before and prayed like I’ve never prayed before for the pain I had lingering to disappear. There I was like the morning dew, transparent and waiting for that warmth of reassurance from our creator to form droplets of hope to refresh my mindset. Months later that came in the form of Tegumailagi (Fijian for Heaven’s Dew). Tegu was definitely hope and reassurance personified.

As a Mum to Tegumailagi I could not fathom the unexplainable emotion I went through when receiving the news of his formal diagnosis. At work I was given dates of my overseas deployment to Canada, I went home to relay the news to my husband Seci and Tegumailagi, who was very supportive of me going. Everyday after that I would whisper in Tegu’s ears ” Nau is going away soon remember I love you” I realised he understood what I said (Tegu was 3yrs old at the time) he would look away but held on to my hands. This will also be the first time I was to leave them together on their own. Bags packed Tegu and his Ta took me into camp to get on the Duty transport to the Airport. They followed the duty vehicle to the airport to farewell me. Tegu was confused that I was not in the same car as them. This upset him and he was clinging on to me as if to say ” don’t go Nau”. We said our goodbyes as I walked in to the check-in counter I could not help but look back to see my Tegu. Was he looking back to see me? All I could see was his little head turning my way with that look of reassurance to let me know ” I will be alright Nau” . This time around stood in my combats, I had my mummy head on with tears streaming down my cheeks which I could not help. I reminded myself he is in the capable hands of his Ta. Wiped my tears and continued with my check-in. My family know how easily I get the waterworks going. Weeks after being in Canada, Tegu and his Ta into their routine in the UK I received a message to give them a call. Excited about seeing them on video, i went to get good internet access for a FaceTime. Nothing prepared my heart for the news that I was about to receive. Seci my husband mentioned ” well we received letter through the post from the Paediatrician…… long pause ( I knew what was coming) as if there was interference on the internet. These was two broken hearted parents who are hundreds of miles apart trying to make sense of the situation at hand. We reassured each other yes we can do this. Tegu will be alright. All I wanted was to have a family hug (hubby, Tegu and I) and reassure my Tegumailagi that it will be fine. Gods timing is best, indeed it is, as I walked back to my accommodation, it felt like the longest walk I’ve ever done. I thought to myself maybe if I was at home I would be too emotionally drained to absorb this news, and would be in denial. We both knew in our hearts what was coming, acceptance as hard as I wanted to my heart as a mum was not accepting it, my head was saying pull yourself together Lini. Testing times in itself would be our reason to stay positive and be the voice of Tegumailagi. It was also my reason to draw closer to God, and be thankful for Tegumailagi. Where do we go from here, as time is our healer and Jesus is our witness we continue to readjust, adapt, overcome and stay faithful and most of all positive.

• Enchanted by how much Tegumailagi adores his Ta( Dad in Fijian), It is indeed one of a kind sight to see. Some of us tend to get bored if everyday is repeated over and over again, not this lovely duo. Well I will have you know that it’s never boring in Tegu’s House. Like clock work our morning starts at 0530hrs. Tegumailagi wakes up then heads straight for a shower, yes without any hesitation and even on a weekend. When in the shower he will call out “Ta” this is an indication that Ta can open the bathroom doors and help him out of the shower, dare I interfere with this regime I will be ushered back to the bathroom door by Tegu, might I add that it’s the same shower gel all the time, Jesus knows we dread to think the day the shower gel manufacturer changes the shower Gel packaging. Brushing our pearly white teeth which any parent of a Spectrum child would agree with me. It’s an arduous task, anyone walking past our house would think that we are strangling Tegumailagi with his loud screams. Tooth brushing is an uncomfortable sensation that he screams in pain. We have resorted to the double headed toothbrush or the fingerfitted brush for a good back tooth brush. Every layer of background noise is heard by Tegu, so there is no point in Ta trying to escape to go anywhere without him as he hears all this. We are thankful to Beethoven for soothing classicals that relaxes him. In all morning routine there is no words out of Tegu but he knows exactly where to wait ( at the bottom of the stairs) for his favorite breakfast of honey on toast. In light golden brown the toast is equally cut out edges and in even numbers ( because we have a fascination for numbers and equal sides) it is eaten with a thankful smile. This morning commotion his Ta is the center of his regime. I am so thankful for such a wonderful Husband and loving Ta to Tegumailagi. When challenged by day to day situation be thankful even the simplest smile of thankfulness means progress. X

Excited to finish work early on a Friday. This was an opportunity to accompany my husband to pick up Tegumailagi from school this is one important appointment that I look forward to every Friday. I walked down the school gates from the car park, into the main reception area and eagerly waited for my “Darlin Tegu” .

About 5 minutes into waiting, I could just about see his little face trying to get eye contact to confirm that I have seen him. Oh his excited face was as if we have been apart for a lifetime, I got a lovely hug and he handed me his jade book bag to hold. We arrived home, Tegu was persuading me have a look in the book bag. I handed his PECs folder to him which is usually in his bookbag, By this time I could make out that it was not what he intended for me to see. He immediately reached into the book bag and showed me the card he made at school with the biggest smile he hugged me again handed me the card. With tears following down my cheeks, I said “thank you luvequ” , Nau loves you so much. For a split moment there I knew that Tegumailagi could show affection. We started this Autism journey with so much emotion and thoughts of “what if” and ” we could have” . But now on the homerun. Our infectious optimism is winning. If it was meant to be it will be. What ever the situation stay positive and keep believing. Thank you my darling Tegumailagi. Your actions does speak louder than words😘